when i think too hard, i feel like i'm drowning.

i'm doing okay, really. usually.

i have friends who are real friends - they love me and they care for me. i feel safe with them, and we do things together and i feel so genuinely welcome. normally i feel like a bother to people, an inconvenience. but with them, i don't. it's different and refreshing. i really like it.

my boyfriend is like my home. i don't know how else to word it, but it feels right to say it that way. he's a good person and he's doing good things, and i'm always proud of him. he makes me want to be the best person i can possibly be. i want to do so many good things just to make him smile and make him feel the way he makes me feel.

even my grades are not too bad - or at least, not in my opinion. i don't know what to consider a good GPA right now. i'm just trying my hardest and feeling good about the effort i'm putting in and the results i'm receiving. i might actually be doing pretty bad, or maybe just mediocre, but that doesn't bother me too much, because i'm trying and i'm happy.

i'm mentally stable lately, and it feels so amazing, but when i think too hard, it gets scary. i feel overwhelmed by it. i start to second-guess and doubt myself and my worth, and i worry that the way i think people feel about me and perceive me is some kind of a terrible delusion on my part. i feel terrible again, like no matter how hard i am trying and how much effort i am putting in to the things i do and the relationships i have, it is useless, and i am wasting my time and everyone else's.

when i clear my mind, i feel okay. it's like turning on the windshield wipers and letting the little oblong celexas and the tiny white ativans clear everything away. but when i stop and think, really think, it builds up, and i feel like i'm going to drown again, and i can't afford for that to happen.

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